this is a sick, sick world

Did you know that girls are at twice the risk of being a victim of sexual abuse than boys during childhood? Did you know that in adolescence, girls are at eight times the risk?

Did you know that one out of three girls will be a victim of sexual abuse by the time they are 18?

Did you know that incest between an adult and a related child or adolescent is recognized as the most prevalent form of child sexual abuse and has the greatest potential for damage to the child?

Did you know that you quite possibly know someone who was sexually abused as a child?

When reading these statistics, and learning about this horrible thing in my Child Abuse and Neglect class a couple of semesters ago, I never thought in a million years that I would someday know a child that has been sexually abused. And unfortunately, not only do I know her....I'm related to her.

I'm not going to say much about the situation, because I'm not sure how much this person's mother wants me to say (hell, I didn't even hear about it from the mother, I heard about it from MY mother). But I will say that I have never, in my whole 23.5 years on this earth, NEVER felt so much hatred for one man. I have hated this man for 12 years, but the hatred as just escalated. What's worse than hating someone? Loathing them? Because I don't even think that hate covers how I feel about the perpetrator.

Because of the news that I have learned today, I don't know how to react to it. Sure, my first reaction was "Super Brandy to the rescue!" I wanted to pack a bag, grab Dorothy, get in my car, and go save the day. But really? What would I do once I got there? Supposedly, the incident was over a month ago (if not more), and even though I talk a bunch of crap...I know that the perpetrator scares the living snot out of me, and I would eventually back off. But, really? Would I back off? This perp has done very bad things to someone very dear to me...how would I express my anger and hatred towards this man?????

Of course, going to where this little girl is wouldn't have solved anything. It probably would have made all situations worse (including my own...with missing school and work and such). So then, I just felt so sad, and helpless. Sad because this is something that I could only dream of in my worst nightmares, and yet...it came true. It happened to one of us. Sad that it happens in this world at all. Sad that people are sick enough to inappropriately touch little kids, and think they can get away with it. Sad that in order to keep the victims quiet, the perps threaten the victims with bodily harm (which happened in this case). I felt helplessness because I don't know what to do.

And now, I don't know how to feel. I know that I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think about it. I don't want my mind to wander in that direction at all. I want someone here to distract me.

Luckily, it's a Sunday, and so I had my weekly game nights with some of my favorite people in Wilmington. So, I put my best game face on and survived game night without once thinking about it. I did not want game night to end. I knew that I would have one long and lonely night ahead of me once the game was over. But game did end eventually. And as I drove home, let Dorothy outside, and took a shower the only thing I could think about was how much I wish I was in a relationship. A real relationship. That way, I would know that I wouldn't have to be alone tongiht. I've been good about not thinking about relationships, or boyfriends, or husbands...but this time I can't help it. I know that in times like this, having someone to just lay next to me in bed would help. I don't want to talk about the situation...I just want someone here with me.

And then I feel bad for wishing that I was in a relationship, and feeling a little sorry for myself because there is a little girl I know that is going through something SO MUCH WORSE than my feeling of extreme lonliness.

I just don't know what to do.